E! True Cormyrian Story: Behind the Iron Shortage
by Bifflechips
Summary: Sure everyone knows the story of the Bhaalspawn. But what happened behind scenes. What were the rumors... the scandals... Actor Tony Jay interviews many of those that know what really happened.


E! True Cormyrian Story presents...

Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage

_cut to actor, Tony Jay, dressed up in a black and white suit and tie, sitting on the corner of a mahogany desk with a spotlight from above aimed down at him. His hands are on his lap, with a manilla folder with neatly stacked papers inside the folder._

TONY JAY

Good evening. And welcome to E! True Cormyrian Story, the show where we divine the truth of matters and bring them to your screen. This evening's episode--

_cut to black, with whit text saying "Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage"_

TONY JAY

Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage. All know the tale of the Bhaalspawn, and Alaundo's prophecy.

_Tony Jay stands up, reaches behind him, and pulls a skull off the desk, raising it traight out in front of him towards the camera at eye level_

TONY JAY

The Lord of Murder shall perish. But in his doom, he shall spawn a score of mortal progeny. Chaos shall be sown in their passage. So sayeth the wise Alaundo. _puts the skull down_ The most famous tale is that of... errr... well... nobody really knows the name of the Bhaalspawn. Nor his race. Or profession. Or even gender. For all intents and purposes, we will refer to the Bhaalspawn as a he. It's like... it's like you could say that the Bhaalspawn was a female dwarven bard Josephina and you'd be just as right as say... a male human sorcerer named Inteus. They're all correct. It was a valiant tale, worthy of being told at any tavern. But what really happened? The rumors... the scandals... that's what brings us here tonight. Allow me to introduce our first guest for the evening.

_Cut to Tony Jay sitting in a brown leather chair, sipping from a cup of coffee._

TONY JAY

My first guest is a warrior, bold and pure. He fights for a noble family in Waterdeep and in the name of the guardian, Helm. He has asked that we not reveal his name during this interview. How are you doing this evening?

_cut to Ajantis Ilvastarr, sitting in a similar leather chair, wearing platemail armor and helm. His face his fuzzed out so as to not reveal his identity. Show text "Unknown paladin: Follower of Helm and overzealous wierdo"_

AJANTIS

Quite good, thank you.

TONY JAY

Any particular comments you want to make about the Bhaalspawn before we begin? Perhaps describe your relationship to him?

AJANTIS

I have little to say. I met up with the Bhaalspawn not long after he left Candlekeep, just north of the Friendly Arm Inn in the Western Heartlands. He, that annoying little girl he was with, those two damn Harpers, and those two other blasted Zhents, were heading wouth to look at the Nashkel Mines. I politely reminded them that they were heading in the wrong direction, and suggested that our goals were close to the same.

_cut to footage of Ajantis' face_

AJANTIS

You are the bride of the Bugbear chieaftain, as people say, and every ninth night he treats you like a woman!

_cut to Tony Jay_

TONY JAY

How does that make any sens--

AJANTIS

It doesn't, okay? By Helm, I didn't have anything to say!

TONY JAY

Why the harshness?

AJANTIS

They know what they did.

TONY JAY

And what did they do?

AJANTIS

I'm not telling.

TONY JAY

That's okay. I'll ask someone else. This is Xzar and Montaron. Tell me about Aj-- the paladin.

_cut to Xzar and Montaron on a couch, Xzar on the left, Montaron on the right. Xzar is in the fetal position. Show text "Xzar & Montaron: Zhentish agents._

MONTARON

Head up his arse.

XZAR

...I see them...

MONTARON

Should'a never been born.

XZAR

The rabbits!!

TONY JAY

Does he... does he even know where he is?

MONTARON _sighs_

Look at yer socks. Ye better get rid of 'em quick.

_Cut to Tony Jay's socks. Black with white rabbits on them._

TONY JAY

They're my lucky socks.

XZAR _feminine voice_

GET THEM OFF NOW!!! You're aligned with the rabbits!

_cut to Tony Jay taking off his black leather shoes, along with his socks. He tosses them in front of Xzar. Xzar screeches, then stands up defiantly, muttering an incantation with an orange aura appearing on his hands. When he finishes it, a fireball launches itself into the ground where the socks are, exploding. Camera goes offline for 3 seconds. It cuts back on. Xzar's green Robe of Fire Resistance is smoking, but otherwise fine. Montaron's face and leather armor have been blackened by the flames, with some of his hair having been singed off. Montaron coughs, smoking._

AJANTIS

You invited those two?!?!?

_Ajantis leaves his chair, unaware that he's stepped out of the area where his face was fogged off, bastard sword drawn, and prepares to hack Xzar and Montaron down. He makes a vertical swing, missing both Xzar and Montaron and cutting the couch in half._

TONY JAY

Hey look, my audience. The secret paladin was Ajantis Ilvastarr the whole time!

AJANTIS _loking at Tony Jay; Xzar and Montaron have disappeared from camera_

YOU! You bastard!

TONY JAY _Ajantis is chasing him around th chairs and couches_

Hmmm... when we return from... commercial break, we'll speak with a d... delusional gnome who claims he was only... delusional due to his addiction to leaves. HELP ME!!

_cut to black_


End file.
